{{ urbania's void - chapter 18
...hell in your eyes (day twenty-two / +22)
Keep breathing.
Jacen had to remind himself of this as he felt the cool air from the living area vanish when the door shut behind him. His eyes wandered to the figure on the bed, which was curled up, hugging her knees to her chest. Jacen could see the discarded prosthetic arm from her disguise lying on the ground across the room. He deduced that she must've thrown it there. She was facing the wall of windows, lying on her right side, with her back to Jacen. The neon lights spilled over her body, illuminating the white of the nightgown. Letting his eyes trail over every one of her curves, Jacen worked up the nerve to speak.
"Tenel Ka..."
He saw her shoulders tense up.
She had known he was at the door, but to hear his voice just slammed the fact even harder into her mind. Jacen Solo was in the same room with her. And they were alone. She shut her feelings off from the Force as she tried to ball herself up tighter. Her feet had disappeared under the bottom hem of the gown and her right hand was clutching her left shoulder, her arm crossed over her chest.
"I... I... don't know where to begin, Tenel Ka..."
Jacen treaded softly to the empty side of the bed and reached his right hand across it to her shoulder. Tenel Ka shrugged it away. Sighing, he sat down on the edge of the bed and the instant he did so, Tenel Ka quickly stood up and stumbled over to the desk that sat on the opposite wall. She pulled the chair out from under it and sat herself down, a few meters away from the windows, facing them.
His heart sank.
Instead of having the common ground of the bed, where he could sit with her and tell her how it all went down in his head, she had moved herself to a chair. An island in the middle of the cushy carpet, away from him, so he couldn't reach her. Fighting back the urge to run away from it all, Jacen stood up and clenched his fists, drawing in deep breaths. He stepped around the bed and made his way to where Tenel Ka was seated, staring aimlessly out to the technological jungle. He could sense the others out in the living area; all ready to rush into the bedroom if they had to.
He looked down to her. The lights that filtered into the room held her body in their glow. Blues and greens swirling around the front of her gown while her face fell into a sharp red light. Purples and pastels covered parts of her arms and her knees, but Jacen couldn't take his eyes off of the crimson light that placed itself right over her visage. In the cerulean, he could see her chest heaving up and down, in the red he could see her eyebrows furrowing and her lips drawing in air.
Jacen took a deep breath to speak and Tenel Ka took that as a sign to stand up and meander to the window. Finally, Jacen couldn't take it anymore.
"Tenel Ka." He stepped up behind her. "Go ahead. I know it's wrong. But take it out on me. You deserve that much."
Jacen invited her to beat him up, drag him down and throw him out the window. He didn't care what she did to him, as long as she felt better. It was against his ways to basically tell someone to get angry...
He felt her right hand rip across his cheek, causing his head to twist to the side. It was a pretty powerful slap and Jacen knew this because he could feel blood trickling out of the corners of his mouth. He watched silently as Tenel Ka retreated back to the chair and sat herself back down. Jacen thought she would've hurt him more, but then he realized this was Tenel Ka. It wasn't in her nature.
A few steps forward and Jacen fell to his knees in front of her, the blues and greens spilling across his own back. He stared up into the eyes of the Queen Mother of Hapes, which were absently locked on the window and the world outside of it. The red lights across her face carved eerie patterns against her cheekbones and Jacen could think of no other thing to say or do.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
Surprisingly, she didn't push him away. He apologized continually and just let his head drift into her lap, allowing the soft fabric of her gown to brush against his cheek. The warmth of her body welcomed him as he kneeled in front of her, his arms crossed on her lap, his head resting in the midst, shivering and mumbling words.
"I didn't mean to do it... it wasn't me... Kaidin. It was Kaidin. I would never do such a thing to you. If I had more control I would've been able to stop it. I didn't have enough control... I didn't. I didn't. I didn't mean to do it. I should've had enough control. Tenel Ka... Tenel Ka... forgive me, please... I... I..."
Jacen could feel her fingers running through the mess of brown hair atop his head, picking through the tangles, toying with the curls. He felt at ease for once, his eyes slowly shutting as tears dripped through his arms and cascaded to the immaculate white fabric of her nightgown. He was truly sorry and he didn't know exactly how to tell her, or show her.
Suddenly twitching, she gently pushed his head off of her lap and stood up, crossing her right arm over her chest. His tears had mixed with the blood from his mouth and had created a jagged stain on the front of her gown. Jacen glanced up to her, his vision blurred from the salty liquid pooling in his eyes. The red from the stain sucked all the color out of the rest of her, from her hair, her eyes, her skin -- it even sucked the white out of her nightgown. And Jacen could only stare at the blood.
"No..." Jacen heard her murmur.
"Tenel Ka, please."
Jacen clumsily pulled himself to his feet, stumbling over to her. He tried to wrap her up in his arms, but his grasp came up with nothing. She kept easing away from him, towards the door.
The silence seemed to disintegrate into a tangible feeling of malice as Tenel Ka spun towards the bedroom door, opening it and rushing out. Jacen followed, the belts around his waist clanking against each other as he ran. Some of the others stood up to assist or see what was going on, but Jacen motioned for them to stay behind.
Tenel Ka had dashed out of the front door of the apartment and left it open. Glancing from the group of friends...
"Stay here. Let me take care of it."
...to the door, Jacen drew in a deep breath and exited the apartment. To his right, he saw a smear of white at the end of the dark hallway and he chased it. She was headed for the turbolifts. Jacen was almost invisible in the ebony hallway. Wearing one of Kaidin's favorite all-black numbers, the silver glints of buckles and chains on his shirt, belts and boots were the only things visible, besides Jacen's skin, as he skidded to a halt beside the four turbolift doors. The third was just shutting and Jacen dived into the second, slamming his finger on the up button.
The walls of the turbolift were encased in glass and Jacen could look out over the city as he ascended. But he was more interested in pressing his face up against the grimy surface and looking upwards, to watch the turbolift Tenel Ka was occupying. Suddenly Jacen's stopped. He watched Tenel Ka's continue it's ascent and he cursed inwardly as he let his gaze lock on the opening doors. They recessed into the wall to reveal a feisty Selonian. Jacen threw his hands up in front of him and apologized profusely.
"Sorry. This one is full. Gotta go, in a hurry. Sorry!" Jacen continually jammed his right pointer finger onto the up button until the doors shut and the turbolift began rising again. Repeatedly slapping his palms against the inside walls, Jacen whispered to himself, his head turning upwards, "Come on, come on..."
As his patience was starting to wear thin, the turbolift came to a crawling stop, with Jacen millimeters from the doors. They opened and Jacen could feel a rush of cool, artificial air over his cheeks. Stepping out of the turbolift, his eyes instantly moved to the vast expanse above him. He saw a sea of stars and he debated on reaching up and seeing if he could pull one down. He was amazed at how close he was to the vacuum of space; how close he was without getting pulled into its depths.
They were on the roof of the apartment building.
Tilting his head sideways, his long shaggy mop of brown hair shifted, letting strands of it drop into his field of vision. But he could still see her. She was standing near the edge of the roof, silently tiptoeing along it, her right arm out, helping to keep herself steady.
What the kriff are you thinking?!
Jacen didn't want to make any sudden moves. He turned towards her as slow as he could and began to creep her way. She knew he was there, and Jacen knew this.
"Tenel Ka..." His pleas reached her ears.
Her stormy grays were suddenly staring right into his eyes, the squalls contained in them carried over to Jacen and he froze in his tracks.
It was the first time she had looked directly into his eyes since the night Kaidin tried to...
"Don't..." Jacen could only speak that one word. "Don't..."
"Do not what?"
That same red light. It covered her whole body now, dropping her fiery hair into an even deeper shade of ruby. The bloodstain on her gown had seemed to grow larger since Jacen had gotten out on the roof, but he knew it was his mind playing tricks with his eyes. He stumbled towards her.
"Don't..." A shuddering breath. "Please don't... you know what I'm talking about."
Jacen finally reached her and he grabbed her and pulled her away from the edge of the roof, both of them tripping back into the darkness. He could hear her whimpering and he could feel her struggling against him. He didn't know if she was planning to jump, or threatening to jump... he had no idea what she was thinking.
And he made the mistake of putting his back to the edge of the roof.
Tenel Ka began to ramble, letting her feelings flood into Jacen. "I cannot believe you. How could you do such a thing? Do you really blame it on the Mindmap? Jacen... why? Jacen..." She had opened herself back up to the Force and the strength of her desperation caused Jacen to stumble backwards, with Tenel Ka still in his arms. "What do you think love is Jacen?"
Her right hand grabbed one of the buckles on his shirt and she shook him, her emotions pouring onto him. She watched his eyes slowly shut and she could feel what was coming next. She did nothing to stop it. She pulled the buckle around as she stepped closer to the edge, falling first.
They were both depraved now. One, the Queen Mother of 63 worlds, who had escaped her royal position to search for the man who would ultimately seem to be her downfall. And the other, that exact man who seemed to be losing his mind, taken over and knocked down by a simple device.
They both went tumbling over the edge of the roof, black clinging to white as the bottom hem of Tenel Ka's gown fanned out around them. As the neon lights rushed past them, Jacen opened his eyes and stared into Tenel Ka's steely gaze.
"This is how it is supposed to be." Her whisper carried to his ears as the wind rushed upwards to pass them. And somehow Jacen could feel it in his body.
She was right.
Destiny was what caused them to fall. She didn't push him. She didn't jump. He didn't push her. He didn't jump.
Fate put them in this spot.
This is how their lives were supposed to go.
But Jacen didn't want everything to end with Tenel Ka angry at him. Everything seemed to slow down as Jacen moved his chin onto her shoulder. And into her ear...
"I love you."
No response.
And everything went black.
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